Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
