Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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