Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
