I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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