Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
