she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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