TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
