Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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