Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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