may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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