What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
