I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
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I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
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I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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