you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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