he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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