No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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