Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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