A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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