She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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