fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
