Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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