Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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