dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Still dying that you shit outside
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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