Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
