that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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