the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
