i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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