Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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