so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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