My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
