I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
