You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
