why didn't you poke me back
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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