just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
