Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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