My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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