the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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