Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
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I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
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The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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