see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
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I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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