Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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