I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
