i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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