I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
