my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
