I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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