College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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