He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Two words: blizzard sex
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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