I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
