I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Drake has all the answers
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Randomize
