The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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