I wish I only lived at night.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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