I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My penis needs a shock collar
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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