woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
