we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
